July 10, 2019
It's the ending of a very tough year. One year ago my sister was in her final days of life. My body feels the anniversary coming up. I've fallen, which I never do -- too many years of gymnastics training of sticking the landing. My head doesn't feel in the right space. I'm sure it's the grief bubbling up.
Last June when we realized that Diane was not bouncing back from the cancer this time, we tried to squeeze in all of the conversations we could. We wanted to make sure we said everything that needed to be said to each other. She was so conscious of making sure everyone would be okay. On the day she signed her own DNR, she asked me if *I* was okay. I replied, "How okay can I be when my sister just signed her own DNR." In true sister form, she said, "Well, you look like shit." God, I miss her so much. I miss her laughter. I miss everything.
My sister's death - although we knew it was coming - was still a huge blow. It felt like I stumbled around for the next few months. Then on October 9th - my father's and grandmother's birthday (both deceased) - I was hit by an SUV. I was in the crosswalk, nothing wrong that I did. Driver said that she didn't "see" me. I was wearing a bright pink shirt, carrying a pizza in a crosswalk.... We speculate that she may have been texting or distracted, but it doesn't matter. I spent the next 4 months in physical therapy and warned not to do physical things besides my approved exercises in order to heal correctly.
Then we lost Scott's father in December. He had collapsed the morning of my sister's funeral. He was getting ready to go and ended up in the Emergency Room. He never came home and never recovered. Both of us having the closest person to us - besides each other and kids - die within months of each other was emotionally draining.
In the middle of this, good things happened also. One daughter went away to med school. The other one finally found a job that she really likes and is working with animals. While both of those things are great, it also meant a lifestyle change for Scott and me. The kids are adults now. Everything changes.
Then Scott had shoulder surgery and had to have his bicep reattached. Thankfully there was a thread still attached that they could work with. It felt like another thing added to the plate.
After my sister's and my father-in-law's deaths and months of being incapacitated during the Winter, I felt like a very sad lump. In the past couple of years, two of my doctors had several times suggested bariatric surgery to me because of all of issues I was having. I was pretty steadfast on NOT doing it. However, my daughter had it done with very good success and in one of my last conversations with Diane, she said to me, "Elaine, fat people don't get old."
So after a bit, I started seriously thinking about bariatric surgery. I went to see 3 of my doctors, expecting any one of them to tell me not to do it, but NO -- they all thought it was a great idea and all three talked about how I can get off most of my medications.
I had the surgery in April and it did kick my ass. I cursed myself out for the first 2 weeks and then realized - just like Diane's death - there was no going backwards, only forwards. After the first 2 weeks, things started improving and now 3 months later, I'm glad I took that scary step.
During the surgery process, I needed something to take my mind off of everything (since food could no longer distract me). So Reanna lent me her camera and I've been going out a few times a week and learning how to take better pictures. It's bittersweet. Diane loved photography and I know she'd appreciate what I'm doing. It's sweet because my stepsister Gina has been helping me become better at it.
I'm trying to find my voice through the pictures I take because for the past year, talking about emotional things without crying hasn't been so easy. Diane has also made me rethink my bucket list. She made me realize that my time is now.
So far, we booked an Alaskan cruise, which has been on our list for a long time. And I got myself a non-rescue Cane Corso Mastiff puppy. We've been rescuing so many animals in the past 2 decades that I wanted one selfishly for me.
So, here's Rosie. She already seems to know that she's here for a special purpose. For so many years, I did all the saving. This time, I think I'm the one being saved.
